A cup of Tea

I'm so used to being abandoned — to being loveless and rejected. No amount of ink and blood can convey the vacancy residing within, raising its undying fortress of resentment and despair of every step away taken is the final strings of hope snapping with the desolate stare lingering behind No longer is there the urge to beg — to merely ask.  Those eyes are now nothing more than dead and empty, blankly staring at the people I cherish so profoundly taking step after step away to protect their own fragile hearts for the better —  I whisper pathetically to myself, the chant echoing in silent repetitions until a plethora of deception comes and soothes my forlorn soul to eternal sleep. I will not be affected,' I repeat to myself for the millionth time. In response a mocking laugh vibrates through my bones, the memory of my fear of being abandoned hauntingly close. I saw glimpses of you from where the dark  had no place to return. I constantly got remembered  by your mesmer...

       De Jure and De Facto Menurutku, rindu itu mendalam sementara kangen itu spontan ( Pidi Baiq. Dilanku 1990) Dan ya, menurutku itulah yang kurasakan belakangan ini. Terbelenggu oleh rasa yang telah lama mati, rasa yang sudah ku kubur dalam – dalam jauh di bawah sana. Aku tak berani mengoreknya atau membukanya karena sampai dengan detik ini perasaan itu masih untuk mu.  Semuanya, semuanya masih untuk mu. Senjaku terlalu berbeda dengan senjamu. Senjaku terlalu berani mengingatkan ku untuk merindukan mu dan aku tidak bernyali untuk mengatakan aku rindu. Aku terlalu takut untuk mengungapkan apa yang sebenarnya sudah kurasakan sekian lama. Percayakah kamu jika ku bilang, masih ada duri – duri yang menghimpit jantungku setiap kali aku melihatmu bersama yang lain? atau setiap kali aku mendengar nama mu di sebut oleh orang yang bukan aku ?  atau setiap kali aku harus bercerita kepada orang – orang tentang bahagia nya aku memilikimu dahulu saat kita masih baik ...

I don't know where to start, I never do like this to anyone or something. But, just read this out and loud. I wanna say thank you to you because you are the person who most understands me. When I'm happy you're happy too and you never want to destroy my happiness. When I'm sad you always talk softly and try to comfort me again. When I'm angry, you're always trying to bring my mood back and always talk carefully and softly. You never force if I don't want to You're the first person I'm looking for when I wake up to sleep until I want to sleep again. You're my favourite person I met. Don't leave me, I want you to stay with me. I want to spend my time with you. I want happy with you. I want to reach our dream together. I need you. You're absolutely perfect. I  Love everything about you. Your sound makes me miss you every day, your brown eyes get stuck in my mind whenever you look at me, your bare face when you just wake up from your sleep, y...

I think the reason it hurts so fucking bad is because of how much I loved this. I have never loved anything in my life as much as I have loved him. And now that it's ending. I guess I finally realized exactly how big of a part has been of who am I today. Having to leave something I poured my heart and soul into, let me tell you that shit isn't easy. And I think, maybe for the first time ever, I truly understand what it feels like to have your heartbreak into a million pieces.  The feeling of happiness that I felt when I am with you is different. I laugh harder with you. I feel more myself with you. I trust you with me the real me. When something goes wrong or right or even when I hear a funny joke or I see something bizarre, you're the first person I want to talk about it.  Isn't it funny?. I'm enjoying my hatred so much more than I ever enjoyed love. Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you, changes its mind. But hatred, now, that's someth...

They say that the person you like or love would make you want to become a better person, that they would inspire you to become the best version of yourself. So why then whenever I think of you I love myself a little less and hate myself a little bit more, until all I have is hatred for myself? why then whenever I think of you all I want to do is to self destruct? why then with you. I've become the worst possible version of myself?  one of my friend ever asked me this weird question. The question was why do I like him ? she even asked me the truly reason why on earth I like him. Oh I'm sorry why I love him. I nodded. I could give her a million thousand reason why. I could tell her that I love the way his eyes sparkle when he sees something he loves. I could tell her that I love the way he tries hard in his work but won't care to admit it. I could tell her I love that he wears black shirt and jeans or the way he mix and match his office outfit or what perfume he wears when we...

          Sekeras apapun aku berusaha, sepertinya kita memang tidak akan menjadi dua kubu yang akhirnya bersatu. Mungkin kamu memang yang aku mau, tapi Tuhan lebih tau kalau kamu bukan yang aku perlukan saat ini. Meskipun akhirnya menyakitkan, meskipun setelah semua yang aku berikan untuk mu, kamu hanya membalasnya dengan sakit dan luka.     Jika pada awal perkenalan kita aku menuliskan namamu dengan huruf miring seperti sesuatu yang asing, kali ini aku menuliskan nya dengan berbeda. Aku menuliskan namamu dengan huruf tebal seperti sesuatu yang penting. Namun sedihnya kamu berbuat sebaliknya. Kamu bahkan tidak menambahkan apapun pada tulisan mu. Datar tanpa italic, bold, atau pun underline.      Aku menutup diriku rapat-rapat untuk waktu yang cukup lama. Aku enggan membukanya hanya untuk orang - orang yang tidak dapat bertanggung jawab. Untuk mereka yang dengan gagahnya membuka pintu namun enggan untuk menutupnya kembali setela...