Lose You To Love Me

They say that the person you like or love would make you want to become a better person, that they would inspire you to become the best version of yourself. So why then whenever I think of you I love myself a little less and hate myself a little bit more, until all I have is hatred for myself? why then whenever I think of you all I want to do is to self destruct? why then with you. I've become the worst possible version of myself? 

one of my friend ever asked me this weird question. The question was why do I like him ? she even asked me the truly reason why on earth I like him. Oh I'm sorry why I love him. I nodded. I could give her a million thousand reason why. I could tell her that I love the way his eyes sparkle when he sees something he loves. I could tell her that I love the way he tries hard in his work but won't care to admit it. I could tell her I love that he wears black shirt and jeans or the way he mix and match his office outfit or what perfume he wears when we meet. But I don't. I didn't tell her any off this. I simply answer with "He makes me feel like I actually mean something."

You know, it is a hard thing to do. To leave them behind. To moving on. Knowing, you gave them everything you have. I think the person I slept with, the person I walk with, the person I ate with, the person I woke up with is the person I love. Like I spend the last few years with him. I think he love me, but. He really want to use me for his own good. And sometimes there's nothing sadder than that. 

At some moment I feel like did I really deserve all that pain ? and why did I put myself through it ? When I knew from the very beginning it wasn't worth my time. To cry, to laugh and cry again. Laughing because of my stupidity, cry because I miss him so bad. I feels like you know it is better to be honest with yourself. If you feel like you hurt me that bad, why don't you just apologize for what you've caused then work on yourself to make sure you don't hurt me again. especially the same way. 

some of my friend remind me this thing. That whenever you catch yourself missing someone who left your life, you should remind yourself that them not being past of your present is a consistent choice they make every day. They wake up and decide to maintain the silence. They're different as to whether the space between you gets larger and that in itself pretty powerful closure. 

From that moment I realized that one day, in a moment, in a second he gonna miss me in the moments where he crave something real and that's when I'll haunt you that's when you'll begin to search for me and all you'll ever find is my ghost. I also believe that maybe one day we'll meet again and explain to each other what really happened. Maybe one day we'll finally understand. Until then, I hope you live your best life, and I hope you really do all things you always said you want to do. 

From now on I know when Meredith Grey said,"I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke" I felt that. And thankyou for letting me go, because I wouldn't have walked away and know how much I mean something for other people and that hit different. 

P.s If you break someone and they still wish you the best, you've lost the greatest thing for you. 


Regards, 

The best version you ever had. 




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