Blue and Alone

I think the reason it hurts so fucking bad is because of how much I loved this. I have never loved anything in my life as much as I have loved him. And now that it's ending. I guess I finally realized exactly how big of a part has been of who am I today. Having to leave something I poured my heart and soul into, let me tell you that shit isn't easy. And I think, maybe for the first time ever, I truly understand what it feels like to have your heartbreak into a million pieces. 

The feeling of happiness that I felt when I am with you is different. I laugh harder with you. I feel more myself with you. I trust you with me the real me. When something goes wrong or right or even when I hear a funny joke or I see something bizarre, you're the first person I want to talk about it. 

Isn't it funny?. I'm enjoying my hatred so much more than I ever enjoyed love. Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you, changes its mind. But hatred, now, that's something you can use. Sculpt. Wield. It's hard, or soft, however, you need it. Love humiliates you, but hatred cradles you.

Have you ever felt that every time you see him all you want to do is cry, until you want to swallow yourself into a deep ocean or mud? I don't even let my friends or everyone who knows about our story say his name anymore. We refer to him as "Him" or "you know who".  All of my friends tell me "you deserve a lot better" or "you shouldn't waste time just for thinking about him" It doesn't matter how many times you tell me these things. I still stay up late thinking about "what I did wrong?" or "am I not good enough for him ?" or even "am I not that good to be his girlfriend ?" or even worst "is he just too shy to have me?". But I still put on a fake smile so everyone thinks I'm more than okay. I still cry about him for hours on end. I poured my everything into him, and he decided to shatter me away. He put me in the worst mental state I have ever been. Should I care about him? should I want him? or want him back? NO. But, when the question goes with do I care about him? yes!. Do I want him? hell yes. But, it's really freaking hurts to see he doesn't seem affected by what he did when I am so broken over it. Or at least that what I saw from him, he didn't even think about it. His life continued perfectly, but mine? broken, shatter apart, and I won't be happy for a while. He did me so badly, but the bad part is I still want him. 

Now you're gone, I have to expect that. I'm trying to but since you left I can't think straight, every line of thought goes to you. You made me promise not to forget about you. How could I? I don't want to, and I couldn't if I tried. I keep walking past the street where we spent the night just to buy something you want. I can't listen to sad songs because all of them are so related to our story and I can't listen to songs we used to sang it together. It sucks!. I can remember you singing them under your breath.

But you don't try to remember the sound of my voice or the touch of my skin. You're with her now, even though you promised you'd never leave but you did. You did all of it. You left me you said you needed me but you left. So, which part of the need do you need from me ?. You love her I can see it on your face and you definitely hurt me. But I still love you and I will not stop loving you the way I should love you. The way I used to love you. And now what I feel is Blue and Alone.